Life without Juniper

Juniper died February 17th, 2023. My daughters birthday. My mothers’ day. It was sudden, quick, and shocking. I still can’t makes sense of some of it…it’s like a movie or nightmare that I haven’t woke up from. I am still processing the depths the magic and perspectives and beauty that is unfolding from this torturously painful loss.

My hands don’t know what to do without her. I just look at them as alien life stuck to me…what do I do with them now? If she is not here to pet, what purpose do they serve? If she is not here to feed and play with, what do I need them for?

My body gets stuck in a not-knowing what to do in the most basic things like going to the store without her waiting for me in the truck. How do I do life without the life that did it all with me? My body is also…confused. My body feels the pain of her not being here…but feels her on the left side of my upper chest with cloudy expansion behind me.

When I asked her if she was ready to die and what needed to be done to help her cross over, she told me “your loved healed me so whole, that there is nothing to cross over”. She told me “I am within you and all around you. She told me “you are worthy of being the container”.

Pain is a part of Power. It breaks me open enough to not care about the lower vibrations of victim hood and blame projections from the world and people of it.

Grief is a part of Growth. How is it that the wailing gasps of grief feel like the most delicious bloom of enlivened living?

“Feel my feelings and don’t stop myself from being myself”…this is my job right now…this is the wisdom of my bones as I carry her messages through this process to be what is next for me.

Many of you know Juniper. Many of you know the blessing of having her look at you with the sweetest pea of “I receive yo”. If you didn’t meet her in person, you knew her presence from being in circle or in teachings with me for years and years.

photo credit: Catherine Beerda-Basso

She and I are one. Then…and now. And if you knew Juniper, you may be visited by her spirit. She has already been visiting because she is now everywhere too. You may be sad by this news, and if so, I invite you to lean in and see what Life, Power, and Growth is available.

It hurts to go anywhere without her. And it hurts so much because I loved so much…and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I feel bad for the people I will now interact without her because here in North Idaho she went everywhere but 3 places with me and she brought joy and beauty and love and connection everywhere we went. She made peoples day everywhere we went. I carried her special treats around so others could give her treats. It’s like she was…is…a therapy dog for the world. Now, all the people I will encounter will miss out.

I’m learning to live life without Juniper. I am wondering how this loss will change me and am actively open & ready to what that is. It doesn’t make sense to me to experience trauma, loss, or success and not have it change me. I want it to change me. I want to live alive, healed, and whole…and from what Juniper was telling me during her 2 days of death…it can be done. More later…maybe…I’m not sure I can keep divulging my depths to just anyone and everyone. There needs to be a container. I am worthy of being a container. Bless the mess of this post. May the power of not explaining soften the edges of “what the fuck does that mean” and “what is she talking about” and whatever else could feel unstable or incomplete.

Until next time…until what’s next…may we be willing to embody the changes life brings. May we feel our feelings. May we not stop ourselves from being ourselves. May we learn from Juniper how to go from traumatized to living alive, healed and whole.